Aquaduck tour on the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
City tour in military amphibious assault vehicle
It appears to be a golden rule of any city tour; the more lavish, the more expensive and more downright preposterous the vehicle, the less money there will be spent on the sound system so that people can actually hear what’s going on.
And, when you’re lined up with a snap-happy Japanese tour group outside a former military amphibious assault vehicle that has been dressed up to look like a cartoon duck, it is worth bearing this in mind.
Ways to see the Gold Coast
There are many ways to see the Gold Coast, in fact it’s doubtful that any method of milking the tourist dollar or yen has not yet been stumbled upon, but the Aquaduck has to be the most bizarre. It’s the size of a bus, it travels on both land and water, and most importantly, it quacks.
Which, if you speak duck, is extremely handy, as with the motor running and the wind howling through the back, you’ve got no hope of hearing what’s going on in any other language.
Streets of Surfers Paradise
Before we take off, or whatever the correct technical term for the launch of these contraptions is, we’re reliably informed by Belinda on the microphone that we’ll be back safe and sound in just an hour, albeit “dripping wet”. Following looks of petrified concern on the faces of the tour group, it is pointed out that this is a joke. And that, for the next hour or so, is the last thing the Aquaduck inmates shall hear.
Strapped in, we make our way through the streets of Surfers Paradise, which, whatever way you look at it, are incredibly ugly. In a way, they characterise what the stereotypical Gold Coast is all about, though.
Hideous cheap and nasty souvenir shops line up directly opposite icons of ostentatious wealth such as Louis Vuitton, whilst a wooden kangaroo and emu dart around the tackiest clock face in the world.
Surfers in the ocean
It’s not until you get to the beach that you start to realise that you should really look beyond the ingrained image though. No matter how many high-rises there are around it, no matter how much neon you rig up, you can’t take away the fact that is a stunning stretch of sand.
The name Surfers Paradise is not some ironic twist along the lines of redheads being called Blue or gangly basketball players dubbed Shorty. As hardy sunbakers dot around on the shore, wetsuit-clad wave enthusiasts pack the ocean.
“Many of the surfers out there learn their craft shortly after leaving the womb,” Belinda might be saying. “They can surf before they can actually walk, and often their first words are ‘gnarly’ and ‘dude’.”
Gold Coast biodiversity
It’s easy to forget amongst the glittering and glaring tourist attractions that it was the simple things that made this part of Queensland the nation’s primary holiday strip. Turn a blind eye to the development, and you’ve got a beautiful place.
The Gold Coast, believe it or not, is more bio-diverse than Kakadu National Park. The rainforests of the hinterland, the meeting of tropical and sub-tropical waters in the sea; it all mixes for a heady cocktail.
Of course, the development is there though, and it’s impossible to pretend that the natural beauty isn’t somewhat sullied by it. While to the left you’ve got a truly gorgeous beach and lilting palms, to your right there is a constant stream of ugly motels and apartments. It’s testament to Mother Nature that these are just a mild blot rather than a complete ruination.
Eventually the lower grade motels peter out to be replaced by the more spacious resorts, and gasp, a bit of greenery. “This natural habitat has been left untouched, protected by law for the colony of rare albino badgers that lives here,” Belinda possibly continues. “We tried to build over it, but they fought to the death.”
Seaworld aquarium
Before reaching the boat ramp which will take this trip onto a whole different plane, we pass Seaworld, the giant theme aquarium. Fittingly, there is a sign on the roundabout next to it informing us all that we should all save as much water as we can, because we’re in a drought, you know.
Apparently there is only one way to safely enter the water, and make the Duck swim rather than waddle; that is at full pelt. Revved up, the ex-army vehicle charges down the ramp, creating the sort of spray not seen since Luciano Pavarotti attempted the high dive.
Sailing on the Gold Coast waterways
We are sailing though, and the waterways of the Gold Coast add another, often overlooked, aspect to it. The snaking converted swamps here are nine times longer than the canals of Venice.
Again, the reaching for the sky on every spare bit of land can’t disguise the natural wonders here, and all around are intriguing contrasts. The pretty to the ugly, the rich to the poor, the frenetic to the lazy.
A towering, gold-plated hotel sits in front of a grubby TAFE building; a powerboat rushes past a balcony on which an orange woman lies reading a gossip magazine; glimmering sunshine over the water meets the dark clouds hanging over the land.
Millionaire homes
“On our right, we have homes that are owned by all-powerful masters of the universe,” our commentary perhaps continues. “Every day they shower in volcanic spring water made of pure gold, and they have mattresses made of dodo feathers and $100 notes.”
A combination of awe and pure jealousy flashes across the passengers’ faces as we pass the homes of the squillionaires. The sort of money on show is astounding; every home-owner here could probably own their own fleet of Aquaducks, should they so desire.
Yachts on the Gold Coast
Moored outside every home is a yacht. They’re all gleaming white, of course, and probably have their own postcodes. It all makes you want to dig out your keys, lean over the side and scratch away with malevolent glee.
The flashy one-upmanship knows no bounds, though, and amongst all the barely-used status vessels stands a shimmering silver helicopter, perched on top of a jetty converted into a helipad. The owner probably employs three full-time staff members to keep it clean, let alone pilot it.
Gold Coast for children
It’s not just a playground for the millionaires, however. Amongst all the elitist grumbling about tack, overdevelopment, spoiling nature and being rampantly commercial, there is no denying that kids love the Gold Coast. There is so much here for them to do, whether we care to approve of the activities or not.
Whilst the commentary is inaudible and the tour nothing more than a quick flit around town with a clever gimmick, children don’t see with that level of cynicism. Called up by the captain, a small lad can’t disguise his joy as he’s given the chance to steer the daft cartoon bus/boat under the bridge and towards the up ramp. This is really what it’s all about, leaving any distaste at the door and just going with the fun, no matter how forced it feels.
Gold Coast attractions
The sheer array of attractions available, enticing or not, becomes clear as we return to dry land. “Just down the street to our left is the gladiatorial arena, in which cryogenically frozen genuine Romans are resurrected and forced to fight sharks and crocodiles,” Belinda could be twittering, as we pass just about everything. Space simulators, the tallest residential building in the world, shopping centres, water slides, you name it.
Flashing and bleeping away out of the window is a horrific-looking beast called a Vomatron, in which people are thrown through the air as if strapped to a windmill sail. Someone else is leaping from a high platform attached to a bungy rope, others bounding to the heavens on an industrial-sized trampoline.
There’s crazy croquet, Egyptian-themed mini golf, and all manner of big screens you can shoot at with plastic guns. Should you have that child-like energy and deep pocketed parents, you never have to stop. Riding a duck around town is one option in a thousand, even if many of them are somewhat similar. And that, as they say, is entertainment.
This article was originally written for the Sydney Morning Herald in 2006.
